Thursday, May 10, 2012

Internet Dating: Bosco and the Russkie

By Grant Liesch
Dating Services Editor
The Daily Bosco

Editor's Note: This is an actual letter that our Dating Services Editor Grant Liesch received via the Internet. No words were altered. The proceding letter is Mr. Liesch's kind and tactful response to his perspective Russian Bride.
Subject: Hello, dear friend!

Write to you the woman from Russia. My name is Olga. And I'm 26 years old!

I want to find the man for serious relation in your country. I am ready for creation family and want it very much. I cannot find the man in Russia for myself because it very difficultly in Russia. It is a lot of men in Russia who drink alcohol much and I'm not like it. I want to create family and to live in your country because the government to care about people. I want to live and be sure in the future. In Russia it is not possible to live easy.

I want to tell about myself a little. I live in city Yoshkar-Ola. It's 1000 km from capital of Russia Moscow. My city small and very beautiful. work as the seller in shop home appliances. I'm cheerful woman who like to go for sports and do all what like are usual peoples. My history: I'm with my girlfriend were going to go in your country as tourists for search of men for serious relations. But my girlfriend could not go with me. She had problems with your family.But very soon I will receive visa and I don't want to lose a chance to arrive in your country.

I will receive visa in 7 days for your country. Now I'm in Moscow also and waiting for reception of my visa. It will be great if you can meet me and we can to have relations with you. I'm understand that it very strange, but probably it's desteny for you and me. I understand that you will ask me "Where did you get my e-mail?" I'm right??? ;) Ok, I got your e-mail through internet dating agency in my city. I gave them my letter and they told me that they will send my letter for 4-5 men. And I will be very happy if YOU will answer to me. I will be very happy you will write me and we will have our meeting very soon. And it is possible we a meeting in 7 days because I can arrive to you.

Please tell to me about yourself a little! What is your full name? Your age? City? I send to you my photo with hope that you will like it and answer to me back... I will wait your answer so much...Write to me on e-mail : xxxxxxxxx

Yours new friend Olga

Dearest Olga,

Are we really friends? I would like to be your friend. But only platonically. We don't know each other...or do we? I knew a cute girl named Olga in high school. But she was from Mexico, not Russia and didn't write/speak like Natasha from Bullwinkle.

I'm not sure if you would be interested in me. First of all, I have this little rule to never get interested in a woman the same age or younger than my daughter. My daughter is also 26. Then there's the fact that I drink a lot of vodka. I'm like a vodka siv. Those two things alone would probably disqualify me in the Olga-derby. But there's more. What's your view on the cold war? Can a Russian and an American really be together? I'm not sure if I can ever fully trust you. How do I know if you are violating the SALT agreement by stock-piling extra missles?

On another note, can you tell me what was up with Gorbachav's face? That was some scary birthmark the dude had there. And his wife! Forget about it! Do you look like Gorbachav's wife? I might re-consider this whole thing about meeting you if you look like her. She was hot!

You say that you are athletic. Are you a weight lifter? Do you take performance enhancing drugs? I can't be with a woman if she is taking any performance enhancing drugs. I don't take any performance enhancing drugs, Olga.

You say you "want to find the man for serious relation in your country"and meet me for "relations". Let me assure you I am "the man". But I'm confused. What do you mean by "serious relation"? Do you mean "relationship" or do you mean "relations" like having sex. I like to have fun when I'm having sex and I hope my partner enjoys the experience as well and has fun with it and not be all serious when we are doing it.

Oh, one very important thing. Do you have any toasters at your appliance shop? What kind of deal can you get me on a crock pot? Is this duty free?

So Yoshkar-Ola is exactly 1000 Km from Moscow. That is amazing. Most of the time it's like 997 or 1011 Km but never exactly 1000!

Woe, hold your Petastroykas there honey. I'm not going to give you any info on myself. I saw that movie with Nicole Kidman where this young lady comes over from Russia as a mail-order bride. Next thing you know the Russia Mafia is all up in boyfriend's grill. I'm not doing that. Feel free to send me your head shot though. Did you get one of those glamour shots done? If not, I know this place in Moscow where you can get one.

And one more thing. I may be your destiny. But I will never, ever, be your "desteny". I don't even know what a "desteny" is. And let me assure you I am usual peoples too. If you want to meet me I will be in the Disneyland parking lot in the Dumbo section next Sunday. Did you get a park pass? Can you get me in, too?

Yours New Friend,


1 comment:

Doug Vehle said...

Dang, so I've warned people of those Russian mail order bride, er, SERVICES. But ain't the response being a bit, er, TOUCHY? I mean most people don't know if it's 997 or 1101km away, they only know 1000. Her english as a second language isn't exactly a character issue, afterall.

Tell me the truth, you sent her money, didn't you? Yeah, they always start sending money. . . .